Oftentimes, I find myself desperate for attention, hoping that anyone would notice me.As I recall in my childhood, I’ve been pleasing people most of my life. I will literally do anything in my power not to disappoint anyone. Whether it’s some person that wants their laptop check, or helping with their coding problems, I will go to your place. Not the opposite. I know, that really sucks but it is what it is. I do not want my friends to be burdened by inconvenience. I guess I have to take it up to my ass.
Let me tell you need to know first. I’ve been a part of a cult since my childhood. Most of my ‘friends’ were the children inside their, which I grew up with, basically. I did not make connections to the outsiders, indoctrinating me with the belief it is better to be friends with people inside the church than the outsider. The rationale behind this is that insiders are more trustworthy. As I view this now, this only builds a fence to a child that further isolates, enabling deeper brainwashing. Having said that, I’ve left the cult and was doing pretty fine in the early days. Not anymore. Connecting with friends was great, until it shattered. It killed me since then.
With the remnants of that friendship, I’ve noticed something. I hope I am wrong. Please let me be wrong. I want to be wrong on this observation. While I trusted them, it seems that they have not done the same. I think nobody really trusted me in the first place. I mean, they did not even I think I am just being used. I’m not smart in any way possible, let’s be clear that out. I’m the regular, most basic bitch, and the most annoying person you’ll meet in your existence. I don’t know if I’m just stressed or whatnot.
Meanwhile, I always remember Slavoj Žižek’s interview.
I agree with Sophocles: the greatest luck is not to have been born but, as the joke goes on, very few people succeed in it.
- Slavoj Žižek
I hope to be proven wrong. They’re blameless. They’re kind to me.
I think that the best course of action is to do nothing. Fuck myself and my life.